“Maybe They’re Just Busy” and Other Things We Tell Ourselves

Dating sucks.

Maybe there’s some reason why I’ve only had one relationship, and I somehow blindly stumbled into that one. It’s so much easier to meet people at college, which is where I crossed paths with my ex.

It’s a million times harder once you graduate. And have like six friends like I do. I know I’m not setting myself up for success when it comes to relationships, but in the grand scheme of my life, I was only in a relationship for ~16 months, and I’m 24, so I’ve been “single” for about 22 and a half years of my life. And I think I turned out okay?

I had a really bad week in the beginning of August and re-downloaded Hinge onto my phone. I was educated about the world of Hinge in July and had it for a few weeks before deleting it.

So long story short, I started talking to a guy, we texted for a month, met up for drinks, hardly heard back from him, and now I’ve just abandoned ship. And if we’re being pragmatic and looking at other dates I’ve gone on, no one should be surprised at all.

Both basically ghosted me. The first was like right after we met for drinks—so this time isn’t any different—and the second guy just stopped talking to me and blocked me on social media the week we were supposed to meet up for a second time. He was also allergic to dogs, so I don’t know what I was thinking there.

But I’m always left with questions about what to do after when you don’t hear back from them. I get that people are busy; I’m working 55 hours weeks. But when you don’t hear from them after meeting in person, it’s hard to not think it’s because you met them.

Questions that went through my head in the week post-meet-up:

Can you double text?

When is it appropriate?

Is it considered a double text if you last texted them but then you text them two days later because you never heard from them?

Did I do something wrong?

Was it something I said when we met up? I mean, I talked about my cat but didn’t bring up that she’s double-pawed and didn’t say she has thumbs like I normally do.

Did I talk too much?

Was it because I said how much I love my undergrad advisor? (But for real, I do. Doug’s the man.)

Does it look bad that I haven’t talked to him either in almost two days, but I was the last one to text and he hasn’t texted me yet?

Was it because I waved to the dog that was in the brewery?

These are the petty things we have to deal with because of texting culture. (Don’t even get me started on the “texting to talk” thing. That will probably be a separate post at some point.) Part of me wants to say “Screw it” and just text the person a little “Hey, what’s up?” text. The other part of me thinks they’ll think it’s weird and then I’ll never hear from them again.*

There’s like a little line that you can’t cross over, but it seems like no one really knows where that line is. You’re both operating on two different lines, two different boundaries, and that’s when it can get confusing.

At no point in any of this was I not myself. And if that’s a problem, then it’s not my problem. I took a chance and it didn’t work out; it’s not the end of the world. It just sucks because he liked sports as much as I did. (And that’s what I consider important.)

At some point, you start to think, “Oh, they’re just busy. That’s why they’re not texting me.” But when you text someone all day and then get radio silence, maybe they’re not just “busy.” I feel like a more appropriate title for this post is “‘Maybe They’re Just Busy’ and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves.” Because I guess that’s what I was doing. And what I’ve done. I tried, and it didn’t work.

*In case you were wondering: I did text him after not hearing from him for two days, we briefly talked, and then I never heard from him again. There’s a reason why I don’t put their numbers in my phone as contacts.

14 comments

  1. Oh man – dating SUCKS!!! I’m in the middle of a struggle right now myself. Met a great guy, thought he was a scammer, but something in my gut told me he wasn’t so I reached out and we started talking and now it’s awkward but we’re at least talking cos I totally miss him. But now I have to break my date for Friday with some other guy….

    I did a whole series on online dating last spring/summer/fall. I’ve had such a wide range of experiences haha

    Liked by 1 person

      • I totally totally fell for someone this past year. I think it’s the first person that I’ve ever truly loved as an adult in a romantic way and it was just a stumble – started off as friends then started talking every day and it just hasn’t stopped. He doesn’t feel the same so now I’m in this weird place of not wanting to lose one of my closest friends so I have to change those feelings. But every person from a dating site just feels so forced now because of how easy it was to be friends first and then completely fall for him. The stumble sucks because it was just so effortless. Every thing else is messed up now haha

        Liked by 1 person

      • Awh I’m sorry to hear that. That sucks but I think if you can make it work as friends, then you should still stay friends with him if you talk a lot with him. I try not to let myself get attached too quickly because it never seems to end up working out.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s not you, babe! You’re right, you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong! Please, just keep being yourself and talk about whatever you want to talk about! You will find the right guy who will text you back consistently and love every word that comes out of your mouth. Don’t give up because of these losers you’ve had to deal with– they didn’t deserve you anyways! ♡

    P.S. I’m so curious about your cat! Have you got a post including pictures of the double paws and thumb?!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. could not agree more, dating really does suck! Or maybe it’s just the guys I go on dates with… I haven’t figured which out yet.
    Guys are confusing & I just tell myself they suck & can’t handle how I awesome I am.. It sometimes works lol
    But just keep doing what your doing & things fall into place.

    I just went on a date & literally had so many of the same questions going through my head on the drive home. but the worst part was I kept doing the “do I text him & say thanks again” & debated it for what felt like forever.

    How did you like Hinge? I have been Bumble free for almost 3 months now & its been weird but good at the same time. Getting me out of the house & talking to guys instead of hiding in bed eating popcorn.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Haha I feel like we’re in the same boat. You are awesome, so you should keep telling yourself that. How’s it going with the guy you went on the date with? Are you still talking? (Because apparently if you’re me, the best way to get a guy to stop talking to you is to meet them.)

      I like Hinge. It feels like a little bit of a step up from Tinder/Bumble but I downloaded Bumble on my phone again… I’d recommend trying Hinge if you haven’t yet. But now I’m cautious again when it comes to meeting a guy because I know there’s a 90% chance it won’t work out so why bother. I’d rather just focus on myself I guess.

      Liked by 1 person

      • We honestly probably are! & thanks love, your awesome too!

        So that totally fizzled out, I’m totally awkward on dates but I didn’t mind like i said dating is awkward lol. like you said I’ve just been trying to focus on myself & whatever happens happens

        Good to know, I’ll keep that in mind. Good luck girl!

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Bummer Becky. I’ve heard the same stories from other friends too. There’s this one girl I know who had horror stories galore about dating. Boo!

    Let’s be honest, guys suck! They are so dumb. I’m dumb too. I was stupid until age 25 or 30. I’m still dumb.

    I don’t have much advice for you except just be yourself. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen. If you feel like texting the dude, just do it. It’s like Nike, “Double text much? JUST DO IT!” Lol

    Reid

    Liked by 2 people

      • Agreed. You might want to look more often in other places: church, library, coffeshops, grocery stores, lonely park trails far from other humans (just kidding!), prisons, rectories (what is a rectory anyway?), etc.

        I’m sure you will take this wise advice. Good luck Becky!

        Liked by 1 person

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