Bittersweet

I’m an avid user of Timehop, and I’ll check every morning to see what I posted a year ago on that day. Sometimes there isn’t much, but other times it’s a complete throwback.

And it’s a little bittersweet. Anytime you look back on your life, there are parts that you wish you could remove from your mind and from any pictures. Then there are parts you wish you could instantly go back to. You don’t realize at the time that those are the days you wish you could have again.

Maybe life wasn’t as complicated then. Maybe you didn’t have as many responsibilities. Maybe you were surrounded by great people.

But that’s the way life goes. It goes on, and there’s no going back.

Sure I was unsure about life in college, but things felt a little more stable then than they do now. It’s like I’m expected to know what I want and how things will go. I don’t. That’s why I spend a few moments a day reliving the past.

It’s so bittersweet to look back on a few years ago when everything seemed simple, when I spent the night at the library and was happy with it. (Granted, I’m still happy going to the library.)

But I also want to go back to the times when I knew I wanted and went after it. I put myself out there and tried my best. I’m still doing the best I can, but I’m scared to put myself out there. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of failing, I guess.

That’s why I think about the times when I spent weekend nights hanging out at a football player’s house with my then boyfriend and friends watching sports. Or trying not to trip over loose lacrosse balls rolling around the living room of my apartment left by my roommates. Or working on the spring concert and spending hours in Student Activities.

In a few years, I could very well be looking back on what I’m doing now and wish I was here—although I doubt that. But you don’t really know you’re in the good times until they’ve past. Sure, I’d love to go back to college, but I’d really love to go back to the feeling of confidence, surrounding myself with wonderful people, and just having fun.

So, since I can’t time travel, I’ll settle for brief moments every day of memories. Because that’s all you really have in the end.

One comment

  1. I swear I commented on this yesterday. I related to everything you said. Ever since I graduated I feel like I’ve been chasing everything I felt/had during university but haven’t been able to get it back. Growing up isn’t all its hyped up to be.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.