Back when I was on dating apps, specifically Hinge, one of the prompt sections on my profile said that I wanted to run a half marathon by the time I was 30.

Well, the joke’s on me. And I have a day left to train for said half marathon.

Folks, tomorrow I say goodbye to my 20s and, reluctantly, say hello to my 30s. I have been dreading turning 30 since I turned 28. I know it’s just a number and the world will continue turning, but it seems like a big deal? Maybe because it’s been a while since I’ve had a “big” birthday, like turning 18, then 21, then 25.

I really liked being 25 and, at the time, I felt like I knew what I wanted, or at least, was happy and healthy. I was done with college, I had a job I liked, I felt like I had a good social life, I was running, and anything seemed possible—of course, until COVID hit the next year in 2020.

I think what’s scaring me the most is that 30 marks the start of a new decade (and a new age group for 5K races). When I turned 20, I remembered feeling like it was an awkward age to turn because you’re between 18—legally an adult—and 21—when you can legally drink. I wasn’t worried about starting a new decade of my 20s. I was too preoccupied with college. Now that I’m turning 30? What am I supposed to do now? I already feel like I hit most of my life milestones between the ages of 20 and 29.

Is that how I measure my life to this point? All of my accomplishments, the traditional ones?

• Graduating high school
• Graduating college with my bachelor’s and then my master’s degree
• Buying a new car
• Getting a job right out of college in my field
• Moving onto another job—my current one—at my alma mater
• Paying off my car and my student loans
• Deciding to move out of my parents’ house
• Buying a condo (still don’t know how someone gave me a mortgage)
• Having a serious relationship and living with my significant other

Or the accomplishments that are unique to me?

• Flying for the first time at age 29
• Running 27 road races to date (includes 1 mile, 5K, four miles, and 10K distances)
• Being part of my high school’s varsity baseball team when it won the conference for the first time in school history
• The endless hours I spent in the town library doing homework and writing papers for my master’s degree while working two jobs
• Living through a global pandemic
• Participating in five years of gymnastics in elementary school
• Working my first job at an ice cream shop for 11 years
• Watching countless baseball games across multiple levels (high school, summer legion, collegiate, collegiate summer league, double A, triple A, and Major League Baseball)
• Reading 84 books in one year (2020) and always making a reading goal each year

I’ve heard from a few people that your 30s are better than your 20s. Now I feel like I have something to live up to. Honestly, I still have no clue what I’m doing. When I have to make phone calls, it feels like I’m going to throw up. Some days I don’t have a good grip on my anxiety. I still call my parents with dumb questions—only after I’ve tried Googling an answer and can’t find one that I like.

One thing I am grateful for is being able to share my birthday with my mom. I was born a week late—my original due date was May 18—so it’s always been special to celebrate with her. Plus it only means one birthday date my dad has to remember.

We’ve got a busy long weekend ahead of us. This afternoon, Josh and I will be going to Northampton for the first time in almost three years (it was one of our first day trips together when we started dating) and plan to visit some shops, have dinner, and go to a brewery. Tomorrow for my official birthday, Josh has been organizing a gathering (not calling it a party) at a local winery with my friends and his friends; I’ve been “helping” along the way but letting him do most of the work. I don’t like surprises, so I’ve known about this from the beginning but I’m just glad the weather will be good since we’ll be outside. (Plus the winery has wine slushes!) On Sunday, we’ll be heading to my parents for a birthday/Memorial Day party with my parents and two family friends. We did something similar last year, and I’m looking forward to it.

I’m sure in a few months being 30 won’t mean much, but right now it feels like a big deal. And in the grand scheme of things, I’m still young. I’m hoping to have many, many more years ahead of me, and I’m hoping to do some cool things before I turn 40—maybe an international flight, buy a house, continue living with Josh (I’ll have to check in with him on that), and eventually run that half marathon.