I want to take the world’s deepest breath but it just doesn’t feel quite possible because of everything weighing on me. And most are things I don’t even have control over.
The last few months have just been a lot.
Correction: This past week has been a lot.
Was life going too well, like that scene in Friends when Ross goes, “I guess things were just going too well for me,” that the universe was like, “Let’s take everything imaginable from a Saturday Night Live skit, people’s worst nightmares, a raging global pandemic, and don’t forget about the murder hornets, and put everything together in a single year”? Because I’m sure the humans will handle that very well.
As someone who has had anxiety since high school, I’m used to feeling like I can’t control things and spending time worrying, but lately it feels like I can only control what I wear each day—no real pants here—and how much water I consume—which is a lot.
I guess doomscrolling online hasn’t helped much, but I feel like if I don’t know what’s going on, since things are changing so quickly, then I feel out of the loop. So I’d rather be over-informed, but then my attention gets pulled in all different directions. I’m left wondering if I actually retained anything from scrolling through Twitter or if all I saw were letters and words and hashtags. And if the last half hour glued to my phone was worth it.
Is it possible to pay attention to every single thing and care about every single thing, especially when every single thing can change in an instant?
I think we’re learning it’s not.
Does that make us bad people?
Or just actually human?
(Thank you for coming to my word vomit post, written sitting on the floor in my bedroom.)