It’s Just A Lot

I want to take the world’s deepest breath but it just doesn’t feel quite possible because of everything weighing on me. And most are things I don’t even have control over.

The last few months have just been a lot.

Correction: This past week has been a lot.

Was life going too well, like that scene in Friends when Ross goes, “I guess things were just going too well for me,” that the universe was like, “Let’s take everything imaginable from a Saturday Night Live skit, people’s worst nightmares, a raging global pandemic, and don’t forget about the murder hornets, and put everything together in a single year”? Because I’m sure the humans will handle that very well.

As someone who has had anxiety since high school, I’m used to feeling like I can’t control things and spending time worrying, but lately it feels like I can only control what I wear each day—no real pants here—and how much water I consume—which is a lot.

I guess doomscrolling online hasn’t helped much, but I feel like if I don’t know what’s going on, since things are changing so quickly, then I feel out of the loop. So I’d rather be over-informed, but then my attention gets pulled in all different directions. I’m left wondering if I actually retained anything from scrolling through Twitter or if all I saw were letters and words and hashtags. And if the last half hour glued to my phone was worth it.

Is it possible to pay attention to every single thing and care about every single thing, especially when every single thing can change in an instant?

I think we’re learning it’s not.

Does that make us bad people?

Or just actually human?

(Thank you for coming to my word vomit post, written sitting on the floor in my bedroom.)

14 comments

  1. Oh yes! I totally get this. I’ve never seen anything like it and I’m a lot older than you. I’d like to tell you that it will be okay, but I think it’s going to be a while before it will be okay.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We’ve all been through the ringer, especially in the last year. My wish for you is that you have a happy and prosperous new year and my wish for everyone is that we can learn lessons from 2020 and leave it behind. Wonderful post.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I used to scroll for hours and hours on social media. I tried to process it all, and it became too much for me to handle. Everyone else’s problems became my problems. My anxiety and depression were really bad too. I don’t think that humans are meant to have access to so much information. It’s only natural for us to want to compare ourselves to others to see where we fit in on a social scale. More times than not, we often feel worse after using social media. To this day, I cannot log into FB without feeling my heart pounding through my chest 💔

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree about having access to so much information. It’s nice to be informed about things but then you sort of end up down the rabbit hole and end up knowing things you probably could have done without. I’m trying to be better about limiting how much time I spend online.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s okay not to be okay. We all go through rough patches, and that’s human. Just keep going on. As a wise man once said, “You can do it!”

    All the best, Michelle (michellesclutterbox.com)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have been feeling the same this last week. It’s so overwhelming at the moment, especially with so much being out of our control. Perhaps you could set aside an hour each day for doom scrolling? x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m trying to spend my time after dinner doing something, like reading or coloring, as a distraction, and it’s been working so far. I like the idea of scheduling in my doom scrolling time, such a 2021 thing to do 😅

      Liked by 1 person

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